Beautiful disaster.
The first thing that comes to mind when I think of her.
Who hurt you? The first question comes to mind when I open my mouth to greet her.
Although it wasnt the easiest to reach, I knew her heart was pure .
Gentle to the touch yet stubborn as a bull, she made it hard to resist her.
Unintentionally, she sank her hooks in me .
She was the calm before my storm .
A thunderous, darkening storm with lightning that graciously exposed the paternity of my brother and me .
Though the gloom of it all lingered above both our heads, the winds that accompanied the storm were the breath of fresh air that I needed.
Instead of the hovering clouds producing gazillions of little droplets of rain, they showered me with new siblings, nieces, nephews, sister-in-laws, and brother-in-laws .
For so long, it had just been me, my mother, my cousins, and my brother.
But, then there was her and eventually, them.
Simultaneously, I found my father and my forever .
And, I was ready for whatever when it came down to them both.
Victim of my despair.
Thats what I believe him to be.
Why must you continue hurting yourself to love me? Its the question I desperately want to ask the man who sees no flaws in such a flawed woman.
Persistent, he was - unintentionally making it most difficult to bury my trauma .
Forgetting the past and what it had done to me wasnt easy.
I lived with the consequences of it all each and every day.
But, him, he made me want to .
The issue was, I couldnt.
Not for him.
Not for me.
Not for our future.
So, instead of stringing him along, I prayed each day that hed find someone to fill the void that his heart mustve suffered from because I couldnt.
But, he didnt want anyone else .
He wanted me.
I just didnt have myself to give.
Not to him.
and not even to me .
